By Dineo Nyakale
The first answer a few ladies would say is no; based on the fear that they would have to deal with the mother of the child and the issues of the guy’s previously unresolved relationship with the mother of the child.
In some cases that could be the experience, but women need to stop blaming each other for the drama. In most cases the men never let the women know that the relationship is over: he will string her along and let her still hope that they can make the relationship work.
You know, I have dated a guy that has a child and I must say that it was like living in two worlds. A world of drama and one of pleasure and lessons learned. Well this is how it all played out…
One thing that I liked about this guy was that he never hid the fact that he was a father (but he made me believe that it was over between him and the mother of his child) so we decided to give our relationship a try. If I had known how all of that would have ended -I would have rather kept my distance. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying all relationships with someone that has a child have drama. I’m just sharing my first-hand experience of this notion.
Amidst all the drama, I learned how to be a mother and that lesson is one I will take along with me in my life. We dated for quite a while until he started to act all weird. When I asked him what was wrong he chose not to let me know, but instead he would just cause a fight for nothing at all. So I decided to give him space and let him do what he wants to do instead of being the nagging girlfriend. That was the worst decision I could take because I should have probed him until he let me know exactly what was bothering him.
Weeks later, I got a call from a lady telling me to stop trying to lure in her man. I was confused as to what she was talking about and in fact I couldn’t identify who she was talking about as she called with a private number. Wow, I must say she was cheeky, but I let her speak her mind as she eventually told me that she hadn’t broken up with the same guy I thought I was dating. In fact, they were going to have a meeting with their elders to speak about the way forward as a couple.
I was so surprised that, for a moment, I went blank but quickly got so angry over how I was taken for a ride for such a long time whereas cheating was something I had let him know I would not stand for. So I decided to be a lady about it and said nothing to her. All I said was, ‘there must be a misunderstanding’ and hung up. Then I called his number straight away so that I could get clarity on this issue and of course he didn’t answer the first few times. The last try he answered and said that he was sorry and didn’t mean for me to find out the way that I did but we would talk about it face to face. Before he could get another word in the lady took over his phone, told me that he would not see me again and she hung up.
I had given up on my relationship with him after I got that call and I made a vow that I would just be one with myself. Well that was before I got a call from him weeks later, asking me if we could meet up so that we could talk about what happened. Out of curiosity, I went to see the guy and his explanation was that all that had happened took place because the mother of the child was threatening to take the child away from him if he didn’t end his relationship with me and this was all revealed when she had called her elders to meet with his elders. All I could do at that moment was to just keep quiet and let him say what his reasons for lying were and man I was so interested in hearing them… Then we met up with a cousin of his and she confirmed the story but man I wasn’t convinced so I decided to just be friends with him.
One thing I just want to say to ladies who are no longer with the father of their child is that they shouldn’t try to prevent the man from having another woman in his life. Yes it hurts to lose the one you love, and even more the one man you share a child with but don’t prevent him from living his life if he doesn’t have a place for you anymore… Maybe it will do you good; you could even be found by someone else who actually has a place for you. Focus on you and your baby and give him/her the best years of their life and trust me it will all be worth it in the end.
To women who are dating someone with a child should be there not only for him but the child or children too. I’m not saying that you should be a second mother to them but I’m just saying that you should give them the love that you as a child would like to receive from someone who is in a relationship with their parent. Don’t get into any relationship with doubts about it as it will not do you or the relationship any justice. Be present and positive about him. The fact that he let you know that he has a child should be seen as a step that he wants to be with you.
To finish off my story, the guy eventually got custody of his child but we eventually broke up. This was because some of his family members were against our relationship, saying that I would cause him to lose his child so I decided to let him be for I didn’t want him to lose the one person that means a lot to him… All I wanted from him was to just let me know the truth and not hide it until it was too late.
Don’t get me wrong I had great times with his daughter and I must say that I began to take her as my own. She was my little angel and for me that experience was the greatest of all.
I am open to be in a relationship with a man that has a child. A child never asked to be born but it was the decision of the parents to bring them to this world. But one thing I can’t condone is for that man to lose his child because the mother wants to get back at him. I will make sure that my presence in his life does not hinder, but motivates the maintenance of a relationship with his child or children. I don’t see anything better than a man that looks after his children and in fact it’s not just about the money, but he should make time for them. For, any man can be a father, but it takes a special kind of a man to be a dad and that is the man that I value and respect.
Women will say that they will not date a man that has a child, but they find it fair for a man to date her if she has a child. Here’s another scenario: some women say that they don’t mind dating a guy with a child because then he would understand that she also has a child that she needs to take care of. That is not the right approach either. I now say: do not accept what you would never give.
Go ahead and be happy and don’t let the fact that a guy has a child stand between you actually experiencing a life changing relationship. That man could actually be the man that was destined to father your children.